Fiche N°01 – Le Douchebag du Beach Club

Specimen observed in its natural habitat: a beach club in the Laurentians, mid-July, temperature 32°C, humidity oppressive. Subject is male, early 30s, displaying the classic 'alpha tan' — a deep bronze on limbs and face, with a stark white band across the torso where the tank top was lifted. He stands with one hand on a bottle of rosé, the other adjusting his sunglasses (polarized, of course), scanning the crowd with the detached confidence of a predator who already knows the catch is weak. The specimen's vocalizations are limited to 'Tu veux un shot?' and 'Check le beat,' delivered in a monotone that suggests he's been practicing this script since high school. Notable behaviors: excessive chest-puffing, synchronized head-nod to house music, and a tendency to photobomb any group that includes women. The anthropologist notes: this is not malice — it is a mating display, as ancient as the peacock's tail, but with fewer feathers and more Axe body spray.